SELF TALK ~ Chapter I: just a stupid filthy little girl

SELF TALK ~ Chapter I: just a stupid filthy little girl

 Well, here goes. (Deep Breath)

As I was fighting my way through the usual mental garbage that I've never been able to permanently get off of the loop in my brain, I realized that it's the self talk that still binds me to my experience. 

So I'll start there…


“So now, I have made the unpopular decision to remember.”

SELF TALK - Chapter I

just a stupid filthy little girl

You’re a little piece of shit.

No one will ever love you.

Filthy Filthy Filthy little girl

What the hell is wrong with you

You’re a stupid little girl. 

You’re just a stupid little girl. 

stupid little girl… filthy stupid little piece of shit filthy girl

Stop it


I hate you I hate you I HATE you

Make it stop make it stop make it STOP

God, I HATE you


Get your shit together 


Nobody cares

Get your shit together

I slap my face. 

I slap it again; harder. 

The sting brings me around.

One day, you can kill him.

One day you can kill him.

One day…

and I get dressed

and I go out of my room 

and I function in the world like any “normal” adult, more or less.

Today I’m lucky. That was a pretty light self-loathing session, as my self-admonishment sessions go, at least… 

I didn’t end up huddled on the floor of the bathroom like I sometimes still do, rocking my twelve year old self back out of 1976 with a verbal technique I learned in therapy. 

My partner was visibly frightened, finding me doing this the first time. I suppose the image of the grown woman you care about shouting “My name is LINda… It’s 2001 - 06 - 19… that is a FUCKing DOORknob… I am FUCKing 36 - 41 - 54 years old… I am NOT a piece of fucking shit… YOU are a piece of fucking shit… it’s not MY fucking shame… it’s YOUR fucking shame!”, could be a little disconcerting.

I carry my bag of bones everywhere… Hell; I drag the whole damned closet around with me; a monster on my back that society is all too happy to feed for me, should I ever forget. But I never forget. How can I ever forget? Please tell me, because I’ve spent a lifetime trying.

So now, I have made the unpopular decision to remember. 


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